Self-confidence

Self-confidence is a really funny thing.  Turns out, we’re born with some form of it, and it’s nurtured by our parents like crazy.  It’s what allows babies to learn to walk and talk, and to try new foods and skills like walking and later, running.  A survey of 1300 8-18-yr old girls and their parents gave some really alarming insight.  The research shows that there’s basically no difference in confidence levels between girls and boys under 12.  But by 14, girls are way less confident than boys.  The craziest thing about this research is that it says girls are less confident than boys in middle and high school, EVEN THOUGH THEY GENERALLY PERFORM BETTER ACADEMICALLY THAN BOYS.  A 14-yr-old girl from the study said, “I feel that if I acted like my true self that no-one would like me".  

Something that stuck out to me from this study was that self-confidence in girls peaks around age 9.  9-year-olds are usually in 4th or 5th grade.  Elementary school.  Usually pre-pubescent.  So if you are reading this, it's possible that your self-confidence peaked a few decades ago and may not have ever returned to that level.  Can you remember that far back?  Do you remember feeling carefree and willing to wear 8 bows in your hair at once, or your willingness to run around acting silly with your friends on the playground, or your ability to get up and "perform" for your extended family?  I certainly do-- in the 3rd grade I participated in the school-wide talent show by lipsynching "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin.  Where this idea came from, or why exactly it was supported by my parents is still beyond me (but I came in 3rd place, so you know it was worth it!)  In 5th grade, my best friend and I were in the talent show again, actually singing this time, "That's What Friends Are For" (I think 2nd place for that one.  I sang Dionne Warwick's part.).  The point in sharing this walk down memory lane is that it was way before I started caring about how I was perceived by others.  I'm sure we all have examples of this.  And the switch in my self-esteem is what now renders me impossibly anxious at the mention of karaoke.  But when exactly did that switch happen?  And why?

Why do I care about self-confidence?  Because it's important for the rest of our lives!  It's integral for risk-taking behavior... not karaoke singing, or dangerous risks like trying drugs... but healthy risks, like trying out for a team, or applying for a job, or going away to college.  The more risks you take and succeed at, the more confident and courageous you are to take risks in the future.  And, even if you fail at the risk you take, you still have gained confidence because you tried, and that helps to build grit, because more than likely you'll take a risk again.  What risks have you taken in your life that have turned out awesome or awful?  

Competing in sports is directly linked to increased self-esteem and to professional success-- because risk-taking and failure are built into sports.  Did you ever try to replicate the actions of a player you admire?  That's a great example of healthy risk-taking.  I swam in college, and one day at the end of practice during my sophomore year I had some extra time to burn so I asked a senior on the team to help me with my starts.  She walked me through it, then demonstrated it, then I hopped up on the block and tried to do what she did.  Whelp.  That first attempt was a disaster-- I entered the water shaped like an upside-down U-- hands and feet entered the water simultaneously.  When I surfaced, everyone (coaches included) was howling with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all, and I joined in the fun.  Then, I hopped back on the block and tried again.  And again.  And again, until my start got better and faster.  Is sports the only way to build confidence?  Of course not.  Debate teams, learning to cook, and speaking up for causes are all positive risks that allow you to move out of your comfort zone and into the learning zone that leads to confidence and mastery. 

There are a number of factors that have a negative effect on self-confidence:  perfectionism and a fear of disappointing others are the two that I think are most debilitating because they cause student-athletes to give up before they even start.  But an important conversation we need to have with our student-athletes starts with "What if...?"  Assuming you and your teams are setting (SMART and appropriate) goals each season, what happens if you don't achieve your goals this season?  Who will be most disappointed?  Why?  What if you get hurt?  What if you have a career-ending injury?  What if you start to feel like you aren't enjoying your sport anymore?  Who can you talk to about your feelings?  What if you become ineligible?  Or what if your classes are more challenging this semester and you're having a hard time balancing your academics and athletics?  These questions are important because they will help your student-athletes build some resilience, which is the factor that helps them ultimately overcome the adversity they face.  And, if you are talking about these questions at the beginning (and throughout!) the season, if an adverse situation comes up, they'll already have an idea of how to process it because they've already thought about it in a safe environment.  There's much more to building resilience-- that's something I'll talk about later-- but start having these conversations with your student-athletes and let me know how they go.  What comes up?  What questions do you have?