Perfection

"That's perfect!  Great work!"  

"Awesome.  Total perfection!"

"Practice makes perfect."

"Perfect practice makes perfect."

Maybe we've heard or said these statements in the past.  No harm, no foul, right?  The way I see it, not exactly.  One of my students wrote something in a discussion board post this semester that really stuck with me, and I hope it does with you too:  Impact > Intent.  If you remember from 4th grade math, "the alligator eats the bigger number".  So in this case, impact is greater than intent.  That means that no matter what you MEAN when you say something, it could have a very strong, unintended, impact.  

Alright.  So where exactly is perfection in all this?  Well, perfectionism is really problematic because it is the thing that deters us from taking risks.  And all of us, particularly those who identify as female, have been praised by our parents and teachers for being quiet, staying in our seats, raising our hands, following directions, and not causing problems.  And that’s been REALLY bad for our self-confidence, because while they’re busy praising us for being perfect, they’re not praising us for taking risks, and honestly, we’re not taking them anyway.  But the problem is, the real world isn’t like school, and being the quiet one who always does what she’s supposed to do without taking risks isn’t going to make you successful in life.  Life rewards people who take risks and rebound from those risks—or, in other words, it rewards people who face adversity and overcome it successfully.  Guess which gender takes more risks more often throughout life?  Boys.  And, I think that is a big reason why women make less money than men (70 cents to the dollar).  

When we use seemingly benign phrases like, "That's perfect!" the subconscious stores that in our minds for later attempts.  Our conscious mind knows that perfection is not possible every single time-- even in nature, true perfection is rare-- but our subconscious is constantly seeking out that praise for perfection, because that's what we've been taught is what we all need to achieve.  

Merriam-Webster has 8 (!) definitions of "perfect" in adjective form, but I'm just going to talk about the first few at the top:  "being entirely without fault or defect; flawless; satisfying all requirements; corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept".  Somewhere in time, "perfect" has come to be understood as almost expected; everyone and everything has the opportunity and obligation to be perfect at all times, and there's no other option.  I think the 'gram might have something to do with that, along with other social media outlets, because they are showcasing the "best of" someone's life rather than the reality.  This translates into people seeking the "perfect" 4.0, or the "perfect" free throw percentage, or 100% on every assignment, and teachers and coaches saying "Sure, I guess that's perfect" when they get emails from their student's parents about how, in fact, their essay was "entirely without fault or defect".  (This happened to me on more than one occasion when I was teaching 7th grade at a private school.  I think this is what my mom means when she says "Choose your battles.")  In the classroom, this plays out in a lot of different ways.  In my first year in my current role as an assistant professor I created a rubric for a paper that added up to 90% (which is an A-) and then challenged the students to go above and beyond the requirements to earn up to 10 extra points to get them to 100%.  You would have thought I asked them to cut off their right arm and beat puppies with it.  The outrage from the students -- who were in a MASTERS PROGRAM -- was intense. The idea that they may not achieve a perfect score for doing the minimum requirements was truly shocking to them.  And this is where I realized that we were facing a really big problem as a society.  

Recently I was talking to a group of lacrosse recruits-- high school athletes who are hoping to play lacrosse in college.  During that talk it came out that perfectionism was really a problem with this group of young people.  Many of the girls stated openly that if they knew they weren't going to do well (aka, get an A / 100%) on an assignment, they just weren't going to do it.  At all.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I tried to explain to them the basics of how averages work (!!!) and that earning even 50% on an assignment is significantly better than earning a 0%.  They were not interested.  To them, not achieving perfection was worse emotionally than choosing not to do something.  Because, "Ah ha!  I've figured out how to never fail!  I'm just not going to try!"

This is in direct opposition to almost every inspiring sports quote you can find:  

"I'd rather regret the risks that didn't work out than the chances I didn't take at all" (Simone Biles); 

"The only way to prove that you're a good sport is to lose" (Ernie Banks); 

"Somebody gives you an opportunity, say yes to it.  So what if you fail?  You won't know if you fail or succeed unless you try" (Ann Myers);  

"Always work hard, never give up, and fight until the end because it's never really over until the whistle blows" (Alex Morgan)

So what can we do?  Coaches, teachers, professors, parents (really, just "society" fits here) need to normalize imperfection and even (GASP) failure.  We need to let our young people know that perfection is rare, and we need to stop expecting it.  At the same time, we need to let our kiddos know that even though failure is uncomfortable, it is the only place from which we grow, both physically and emotionally.  Showcase those examples of games at all levels where someone is having an imperfect game-- people miss their free throws, or get carded out, or just have a bad day.  It happens to literally everyone-- so have a conversation about it.  Not, "Geez that guy's an idiot because he can't throw a touchdown!" (even if it's your team); instead, maybe, "Wow, looks like he's having a bad day today.  What do you think that's about?  What do you think his coaches are saying to him?  How do you think he feels about his performance?  Do you think they can still win?"  Then, maybe go a step further to notice people who are stepping up when someone else is having a tough day:  "Wow, even though the QB was hurried and threw the ball out of bounds, his wide receiver ran a great route and was totally open to receive the ball."  This type of engagement with our young people will demonstrate a number of skills:  awareness of others, empathy, curiosity, and compassion to name a few; all skills that are much more important than perfection.  And maybe this type of talk, if nurtured and used often, will get our student-athletes off the "Perfection Bus to Nowhere" and instead guide them toward a more realistic, satisfactory existence.  

At the same time, let's help our kids focus on what they are doing and why they like it instead of their stats or performance.  What does this look like?  Maybe something like "Wow, you looked like you were having so much fun!" or "That was a tough game.  But you seemed really focused throughout the whole thing."  or "What did you learn during the meet today?"  or "Which of your teammates did something that was cool / impressive / funny today?" or "What did you do well today?"  or "What do you want to work more on?"  To be clear, I am NOT suggesting we lean into the "everyone gets a trophy" mentality-- but I am suggesting that the vast majority of young athletes (+/- 98%) will NOT play beyond college-- so hashing out in obsessive detail how they can perfect their 8-meter is not really going to matter once they graduate college, and in fact might lead to some really troubling thoughts and behaviors once their career is over.  It could also lead them to say, "You know what?  Eff it.  If I can't be perfect, I'm not even going to try."  

How have you seen perfectionism creep in?  What have you done about it?  How do you handle it?